Boys of summer have new rules





 

 

News item: A youth baseball league in the Cincinnati area has banned “chatter” by players during games because it might make a player “feel bad.”

If you’re not into baseball, chatter is the chanting by players during a game. It usually comes in two forms. The most prevalent comes from defensive players as their pitcher is delivering a pitch toward the batter.

“He can’t hit, he can’t hit.” “Hey, batter batter.” “He’ll swing at anything.” “Put it in there; he’s just looking for a walk.” And the most popular, delivered at a higher volume just as the ball is approaching the plate: “Swing, batter.”

Another form of chatter may come from the dugout while a team is at bat. It will usually be aimed at the pitcher.

“Batter up, catcher down, pitcher’s in his nightgown.” “We want a pitcher, not a belly itcher.” “C’mon, throw it where we can hit it.”

My gut reaction to the Cincinnati rule change was to join the popular chorus that kids need to learn to deal with distractions and failures. Heaven knows they are in for a rude awakening if they grow up thinking they’re going to win a trophy just for showing up.

However, I am beginning to see the light of the enlightened. In fact, I have a few ideas for my own youth baseball league, the Sunshine League.

+ All teams will have new and identical uniforms every year, custom-fitted for each player. The league will provide special tailoring so that plump kids look skinnier and skinny kids look more filled out.

+ Players may choose what name to be known by on the field. This could be an affirming nickname, such as “Homer Hitter,” or the name of a popular professional player, such as “Alex Rodriguez.” Players will be allowed to change their on-field names at any time prior to the submission of rosters at the beginning of each game. This will allow them to disassociate themselves from a suddenly unpopular name, such as “Alex Rodriguez.”

Rah, rah, rah

+ Every successful effort will be rewarded with a cheer by teammates and answered with a cheer from the opposing team.

+ Any player who belittles another will receive a “firm lecture.” Any adult who belittles a player will be banned from Sunshine League events for the duration of the season and must apply for readmission any following season.

+ Official scorekeepers will record the events of every game. Every batter shall receive credit for a hit per every at-bat, resulting in a batting average of 1.000. Extra-base hits will be awarded only as they are earned (subject to revision during the course of the season). Every pitcher will receive credit for three strikeouts per inning. No errors and no earned runs will be charged.

+ The final score of every game shall be 10-10 and both teams declared winners.

+ Following the game, a league-sponsored celebration will provide hot dogs or veggie dogs and spring water for all players prior to presentation of that game’s trophies. Every player shall receive a trophy. One player from each team will receive a Most Valuable Player trophy for “trying hardest.” During the course of the season, every player will receive one Most Valuable Player trophy.

The Sunshine League is sure to be a hit. Once I get the league started, I plan to return to school to get a doctorate in psychiatry. I will then be in position to make a bundle off of these kids whenever they are turned lose on the real world to find that they actually have to compete to survive, that they will have to suffer through failures before achieving most successes, that not many other people out there care about how they feel and that life just is not fair.

Steve Martaindale is a self-syndicated columnist. Write him at penmanmail-steve@yahoo. com.

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