Now presenting ... alternative Oscars
How about an Oscar for the person who has not missed a movie in a year's time, but still fed his dog or cat, and even frequently his family.
There should be an Oscar for the best performance in the role of a female homosexual by a man, or the performance of a male homosexual by a woman.
There should be an Oscar for the sound person proving the most hearable sound that enables you to actually hear what is being said on the screen.
A special Oscar should be awarded to the theater that presents popcorn still warm by the time the purchaser has reached his or her seat. And that prices its popcorn so that the non-wealthy can purchase it.
There should be an Oscar for the moviegoer who has gone the farthest to discourage loud talking, not coming from the screen, but in the audience.
There should be an Oscar for the theater that will refund the customers' money if, after 15 minutes, they decide this movie is not worth watching.
And finally, there should be an Oscar for the best performance of the patron of a movie who stands up and shouts the loudest to the patrons the well-known expression: Shut the hell up!
Cactus Pryor is an Austin author, radio personality and humorist.