A Texas voice
New York cracks down on donuts
Steve MARTAINDALE

"Sir! Put down your coffee and step away from the doughnut. Keep your greasy hands where we can see them.

"Or else."

No, it's not that bad. The New York City Board of Health recently proposed a "partial phase-out" - others called it a near total ban - on trans fats at the city's more than 20,000 restaurants, but there is no indication that

LETTERS EDITOR you or I will be hauled off to the big house anytime soon for "supersizing" an order of fries.

OK, OK, so trans fatty acids are bad. They contribute to coronary heart disease and have no redeeming qualities. Well, except that they help so many bad foods taste so good.

Still, where do bureaucrats come off saying, "We're taking it away because it's bad for you and we know you cannot take care of yourself"? Educate us, require the posting of nutritional information, shame us with billboards, newspaper ads and television spots, but then sit back and let the marketplace take care of it ... or not. Not everybody wants to eat healthy. I'm reminded of Jolt Cola, which debuted some 20 years ago with the slogan, "Real sugar and twice the caffeine."

Exploring the Web site for the NYC Board of Health turned up some interesting items.

First of all, the board oversees the New York City Department of Health and Mental Hygiene. Just how Orwellian does that sound? Seems "mental hygiene" is an antiquated euphemism for sexually oriented unspeakables, such as prostitution and venereal disease.

OK, so that makes some degree of sense, if vagueness in lieu of offending sensibilities makes sense.

The department is no longer prudish, that's for sure, illustrated by its home page link for obtaining free condoms. The NYCDHMH clinics also offer confidential or anonymous rapid HIV testing free-of-charge, on a walk-in basis. One can only imagine how many use the 30-minute service on date nights.

In a more traditional vein, the department's home page contains a link to restaurant inspections. A quick glance at the Manhattan listings shows a large number of restaurants that had no violation points in their latest inspections. Then there is Gabby's Coffee Shop in Brooklyn, which had 127 violation points. For comparison purposes, Rupert Jee's Hello Deli, of "Late Show with David Letterman" fame, had 11 violation points.

All health departments inspect restaurants, though, whether or not they are into mental hygiene. Larry the Cable Guy taught us all we need to know about that.

Early this year, the NYCDHMH started requiring most laboratories to report the results of a blood test that helps determine the presence of diabetes so the department can "develop programs aimed at improving the quality of care and quality of life among New Yorkers with diabetes."

What? You don't want your medical info submitted to the city? Fill out a form and they will not contact you and/or your healthcare provider about it. However, nothing indicates you have an option not to send the city your info, just to be blissfully ignorant of the invasion.

Last month, the department baited an area of Queens where a small number of rabid raccoons had been found. "When raccoons consume the bait, they become 'immunized' and can no longer pass on rabies," stated a press release (offered in English, Spanish, Chinese, Creole, Korean, Urdu and Russian).

Hmm, the fact they put "immunized" in quotes makes me wonder if they mean ... naw, if so there would have been a warning to not touch raccoon carcasses instead of one advising residents do not attempt to trap wild animals.

That's enough. Meet me at Krispy Kreme while we still can.

Steve Martaindale is a self-syndicated columnist. Write him at penmanmail-steve@yahoo. com.